a pair of friends – one new to me, one I’ve known for years – collaborated on this project:
a prayer of praise in song, based on Psalm 29.

Oh, Your voice like thunder cracks,
And oh, Your voice, like heavy rain beating on my back.
With a word the hills start shaking and the fire splits in two.
What is this? How is it the voice that thunder speaks to you

Rest my dear one, to My love run,
Lay these burdens down.
Surely you were made for more than this.
Pretty pictures, trophies centered
On your highest shelf come crashing down,
Come crashing down.

Hear His praises dancing from the songbird’s tree,
See the glory of His name in every sinner’s bended knee.
Oh praise Him, praise Him all you with your every breath;
Every moment, all your might, lift Him high — oh lift Him high!

You’re sitting on Your throne, here I stand so far below –
Still in mercy, oh, You make Your child strong.
(Still in mercy, oh, Your mercy makes me strong)
You tell the oceans, “Come this far,”;
The rivers’ bends in care You carved –
Yet, Your peace like rivers in me, rivers deep and long…

*****

contributed by Shelby Hughey (lyrics) and Elijah Ogden (music)

Psalm 34

I just can’t stop praising the Lord. I have to be sure His name is always on my lips, His thoughts always on my mind. I can’t separate myself from His Word to me, to His people.

My soul, this one in tribulation and waiting for relief – it has to make its boast in the Lord. Whatever the discomfort and frustration, whatever the itchy sense of unfinished-ness, oh, soul, humble yourself before the Lord and be glad! (Not feel cheerful, soul, but exult in the goodness of the Sovereign God. Exult in Him.)

In fact, let’s do it together.

Everyone? Exult in the Lord with me! Make His Name so big and so prominent in your day that you think “Father… Adonai… Elohim… God… Lord… Savior… Yahweh… Jesus the Christ…” infinitely more times than you think of yourself. Let’s do this thing where we squash our self-absorption and opt for the glorification of the Holy Other. Magnify the Lord with me!

It’s true, thank Him so much, that when I have sought after the Lord – He answers me. He doesn’t leave me alone. Even today, when I wrote out in plain letters, It feels like you just dropped me off and wandered away to do something more holy – where are You? What are You doing? It doesn’t change reality: I’m not crushed here. Oh, my little soul feels like it. But I am not crushed. The Lord answers me! He delivers me!

I want that radiance that comes from looking so persistently and firmly at the Father. A glory all His own reflecting down into my days the way the sun sparkles through my backyard oak trees of an afternoon. Sometimes I delight in that sun and sometimes it makes me hot and uncomfortable, pushing down through the branches and shining into places I’d rather stay in the dark. I’m so glad even darkness is not darkness to the Light of the World – so glad being hot and grumpy is not the end of the story. He shines down into my thoughts and my ways and burns away all those self-glorifying bits that lead to death. I’m so amazed…

The Psalmist says I can taste and see that God is good – are you, God? Are you really? I suppose I don’t really wonder about Your goodness. I do believe it. But the taste of it is not always sweet. I get so nervous. How painful will Your goodness turn out to be? But oh, You are not unkind… When I seek You, pursue Your realities over my own – I will lack no good thing! I’m never lacking. I’m never unfinished. You will finish the good work You’ve started in me.

So whatever it is my soul is telling me – whatever thrashing and stamping of feet and etcetera is going on – this is still true: the eyes of the Lord are towards the righteous and His ears toward their cry…the Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit…

The Lord redeems the life of His servants.
Hallelujah.

Magnify the Lord with me! Let us exalt His name together, friends.

*******

I took a few days this past week to be silent. Not like some holy retreat or solitude/meditation thing. No, I just shut up. I called it selah because doesn’t that sound prettier and more attractive than shut up, you’re whining?

I’d felt like my adoration wasn’t “working” because I wasn’t having some positive emotional result.

Helloooooooo?!

Right. That is exactly what it sounded like.

I’m adoring the Lord and I didn’t get anything out of it.
My anxiety increased, my frustration leveled out into one long “harrumph!” and my weaknesses felt like they were tattooed to my face and/or advertised on the front page. I felt like a supreme loser. As if this adoration were about me – oh my lands.

I have spent so much time learning and practicing and re-learning that obedience is not about results. It’s not about getting what I want. It’s not about me at all. But here I sat: disgruntled and grumpy because adoring Jesus wasn’t making me feel better.

UGH.

Currently I am in love with Andrew Peterson’s new album, The Burning Edge of Dawn. Every single song is like my heart is getting hugged. I adore this album. One of the songs is basically everything about this current season of adoring in silence: The Rain Keeps Falling.

I’m scared if I open myself to be known,
I’ll be seen and despised and be left all alone.
So I’m stuck in this tomb and You won’t move the stone.
And the rain keeps falling down.

…I can’t believe there’s an end to this season of night
and the rain keeps falling down.

I was absolutely reveling in the melancholy tune upon the first hearing, the empathy of someone who has clearly walked through a similar season of silence…then all of sudden the song was punctuated by a sweet, ethereal female voice:

Peace. Be still.

Peace. Be still.

Over and over. The confessions – clear and straightforward, punctuated by the godly response – be still.

These are the things, God: I feel weak and tired and sick of myself and like every confession of weakness makes me a little less bearable. I feel the intense exhaustion of the specific burdens You’ve given me and yet I wonder how many of these burdens are really from You? I am making so much noise inside….quiet me…

* * *

Sometimes in the adoration, our Father is silent.

I would suggest that perhaps He is doing a hard and difficult work for us in these days. And as we have established, adoration does not always come with a prize for us. Adoration is about Yahweh – about giving glory and refusing to boast in ourselves. I am not always good at this. But it is still right for me to adore.

If the Father is being silent, perhaps I should take my cue and quiet all the inner noise. Do the hard things, do the loving things and kind things that bring Him glory. Maybe if I can discipline myself to let my only noise be praise and adoration, I might see His face more clearly. Hold His silence more nearly.

His love for me is so totally enough. I know I do not need to be afraid. But I am and so I think I will shhhhh and allow Him to till the soil and sow the seeds. I’ll wait for awhile and I know it will rain and there will be plowing and pruning. But if I am quiet and I am adoring, perhaps He’ll give me a sweet gift and let me see some of what He is doing.

And if not, I will still praise Him.

*****

a prayer contributed by Jeremy Noel; selections from Psalm 119: verses 9-16

Psalm 107

Give thanks!

The Lord is good and His love is never ending. We have each of us been redeemed from a certain death, and He has gathered us together as His body.

Here is our story:

Some of us had become wanderers, searching high and low, near and far, hungry, thirsty, achy, and wasting away.
We cried out to the Lord, and He delivered us and satisfied us.

Give thanks!

Some of us sat as prisoners of our own darkness and stubbornness. Our chains rattled as we battled, labored, worked to make things work out for ourselves. “Why is this so hard?” we wondered. “Why can’t we catch a break?”

We cried out to the Lord, and He delivered us, and broke our chains. He sprang us from our cells, He broke down our gates.

Give thanks!

Some of us foolishly stumbled into the same holes over and over, and have the bruises and scars to prove it. We walked around, invincible, untouchable, until another pit swallowed us up, nearly consuming us.

We cried out to the Lord, and He delivered us, bandaged our wounds, pulled us out of the grave.

Give thanks!

Sing songs of joy as we tell His story!

Some of us thought we were brave, and were utterly humbled by His might. Storms, wind, waves, these things terrified us, showed us how cowardly we truly were.

We cried out to the Lord, and He delivered us, and calmed the storms. He guided us to safety, to peace.

Give thanks!

Be brave and give thanks loudly!

Some of us thought we were rich, until the Lord turned what we had into dust. What we had was taken away, our water dried up, and we were hungry. Everything was turned on its head because of our wickedness.

But He brought us, hungry, to a different place. What was a desert became a river, and we began to grow again.

Some of us fell away when the hard things of life hit again, but those of us who remained He lifted up, blessing us.

Give thanks! He has brought us all together as His!

If we are wise, let us recognize our redemption, celebrating His love and His work in us.

Give thanks!

*****

a prayer of celebration, contributed by Caitlyn Schultz

Psalm 8

a response:

When I look at all that you have donated (because what is creation if not the donation of existence to what has no existence in itself) – the mountains, the ants, the skies, the heavens, the dirt – I wonder.  Your name is more grand than anything we know or can see and your glory is above the heights of creation.  So what is man (feeble and finite, that we are) that you (only, ever, always supreme) are mindful of (that is caring of and desirous for) us? What is man that you – outside of and greater than all we know – care for us? You establish your strength in our weakness.  You have given us everything. You have put all things under our feet – tame and wild nature, above and below. You give us charge. You give us responsibility. You give us love.

Help us to feel your strength within us.

Help us to feel your charge.

Help us to wonder at what you’ve made.

Help us to live into your love.

“Nothing humbles or shows you your worth like the night sky” – Sandra McCracken, The Night Sky

a prayer of invocation:

Sovereign God,
we look at the things You have made,
the works of Your hands,
and we stop to consider them with awe.
From the intricate immensity of the universe
to the specific singularity of a flower,
Your works astonish us.
Who are we mortals that You pay attention to us?
We wonder at your love for us and rejoice in your presence,
praying in the name of the Creator,
the Christ and the Holy Spirit. Amen.

*****

response and prayer of invocation contributed by Bryan Schultz

Psalm 40

I waited patiently for the Lord.

Alternately, “I waited, kicking and screaming, for the Lord.”

But I think I am deciding that this can be prescriptive. When I am tempted to grow frustrated, or prideful or despairing…”No! I wait patiently for the Lord! That is what I do.”

Because He inclines His ear to me, every time. He bends low to listen.
I am humbled by this, because He is God – and because He is subjecting Himself to listen my complaining. (Let’s be honest: sometimes we are not praying, we are just registering a complaint.)

But I can pray. He hears all my cries and demands, knows my broken heart. But His promise includes loving me too much to let me wallow in the pit of destruction, in the miry clay. He moves me up to the strong rock of what is True and puts a new song in my mouth.

And what do I do to get that sort of treatment?

Pray right? Behave well? Check off the list of Good Christian-y Responses?

Nope.

I wait patiently. I cry out.
And He comes and gives the gift of Himself – He comes and rescues me.

I don’t have to generate the strength and spiritual stamina to get myself from the miry clay to the strong rock.
I can’t do it anyway.

So I wait –patiently– and I cry out to the Lord for strength, for help, for peace, for rest, for rest from the destruction that dwells in the pit. There is, I’ve noticed, no reference for how or when or under what circumstances He will transfer me to that rock. His rescue does not mean I’ll feel better standing on the rock. His rescue and the new song He gives only guarantee that He is glorified – that others will see and know His worth. That others will praise His name when I wait patiently and let Him move me from clay to rock.

When I am obedient by waiting (which implies faith that He will respond) and by praying (calling out to Him in whatever way I can) – He is faithful to move me to strong places. This is an internal reality not often validated by external circumstances. I am offended by this, but I am subject to it. So I may choose to dwell in the Perfect Love of God. My obedience to and dependence on every Word of God is death to my independence….but what good is my independence doing me in the miry clay? What is it worth, if I’m dwelling in destruction and brokenness?

I lose myself to Christ through waiting patiently…through prayer and obedience…

My true, in-Christ self rejoices in this. I delight to do Your will, O my God! Your law is written on my heart and I draw from deep, deep wells to respond to Your lovingkindness. I am stunned by the reality that You don’t withhold compassion from us. This is disorienting on every emotional level, because I often interpret an extension of compassion as “relief from my circumstances”. But that transfer from the pit to the rock is not about saving me from my circumstances – it’s about saving me from myself.

I’m so painfully, embarrassingly aware of my failings before You. There are moments where all I see are my sins, piling up and holding me hostage to condemnation. But You are pleased to deliver me from this! You deliver me from thinking much of myself, from preferring myself. You move me from lamenting to rejoicing, by a grace greater than I deserve.

I am afflicted. Needy. Longing to be released from this body of death and yet burning with gratitude that my life and my truest self is being renewed day by day. From the pit to the rock, You consider my failings and my brokenness, the melodies of pain and despair I hum…and You initiate in me the work of forgiveness, the work of Real Life, and You put a new song in my mouth.

My voice cracks singing it, but I will sing it until my lungs burst: YOU are my help and my deliverer!

*****

Psalm 19

Years ago we sat on the beach with a bunch of college students and we considered that the ocean is actually telling of the glory of God and the way the palm trees sway is a kind of praise and we thought Man, one day we will know exactly what they are saying about the Creator and we’ll rejoice to speak the language of God’s glory in a new and perfect way!

Because the whole earth is daily pouring forth its gratitude and the heavens are bursting with the joy that belongs only to something designed by the Holy Other. There is a sacred wind in the trees and the mountains are a majestic sacrament and wide open prairies and frozen rivers are devoted to the celebration of their Maker – these created things sing a wild worship way better than we do, with all our aching and groaning. To be sure, creation is groaning too – but for the complete redemption of all things created. Nature cries out and waits with anticipation as the sun rises and glides across the sky and camps out in a heavenly tent at the end of its circuit.

And we, the holy and beloved dust He breathed life into – we halfheartedly whisper a prayer when we rise and gripe through our days, clinging to every vestige of our own strength we can summon. We wonder at the natural world and we despise it for doing the very thing we wrestle through our soulish responses to do: praise unceasingly.

God’s law is absolutely perfect. His laws at work in the natural world and at work in our spirit and soul. His testimony tells a true and perfect story that makes what is simple become wise. We consider that His precepts and commandments are without any flaw or failing, bringing an otherworldly purity and opening our eyes to His ways. We walk with Him, rejoicing in the God who is the only Righteous Judge and from the deepest place, we prefer everything of God to anything of ourselves.

But those days when we think that we can find a sweeter honey than the Lord’s enduring love for us?

Keeps us from presumptuous sins, o God!

Don’t let us be ruled by arrogance or deceit, don’t let us live in the shallows, afraid to draw from Your gracious Spirit dwelling inside. Protect us when we abandon the road of ceaseless praise and choose to be ruled by presumption. By such grace we are acquitted of any transgression, because Your Son paid the price. So, oh, let us not dwell there.

May every word coming out of the mouth of Your child be pleasing to You.
May every thought that flits through my mind submit itself to the glory of Christ.
May my heart dwell perpetually on Your life at work, Your sufficiency in my weakness.

The trees and oceans and rocks cry out “Glory! Glory to God!”
May my own cries be pleasing to You, my Rock and my Redeemer.

*****

Psalm 63

There is no one else but You – my God, the One and Only. I’ve sought after others – namely myself – miserable attempts to control or quirk things into some kind of submission. My little self-god at work.

But no…

There is no hope there.
No life in self-direction, self-absorption, self-consciousness. My body and heart waste away when staring in that mirror, when pulling on those strings.

Because I’m more thirsty and more hungry and the bread of life isn’t rising in my own hands.

So yes, it seem to be some dry and weary land here, but I have hope.

I have hope – to cling to and rest on and beg for and set my eyes on – because I’ve seen You at work! I’ve seen You in the sanctuary and beheld Your power and glory. Because Your love is better than life, my lips will praise You!

That’s right – Your love is better than my very life! I can die every day, little deaths to self, because Your lovingkindness is so sustaining, so refreshing, so enough.

If I get to live on in this body another single day, I will lift up my hands to praise You. My very soul – that seat of emotions that are just all over the place – will be satisfied and saturated with the real and expansive comfort of the King. So go ahead, soul, feel it out – my King’s life is mine and I have the mind of Christ! He’s been my help always and without fail…I can hide safely in the One who knows me best and whose heart is for me.

I can rejoice in the hope of the glory of God.

When I’m standing at the burning edge of dawn, wondering if the night is over and if the flowers will bloom any time soon, I find that my truest self is singing for joy –great joy!– because the King delivers me. He upholds me and I cling to Him in the night watches.

“The darkness is a small and passing thing.”
Small. And passing.

And I am filled with hope.

*****

I’m beginning this with a huge sigh and bit of quiet. Because if I’m honest, that picture above is possibly-maybe a more accurate reflection of life some days than the cutesy family pic I will be sharing later. #reality

Over a month ago we made a big to-do about our adoption plans and hopes. We launched a website, a YouCaring fundraising site, and posted our girlie’s “Big Sister” photos all over the internet. We were ready to brand and market our family’s growth plan like nobody’s business.

So this post is not the post I thought I’d be writing here at the end of the year. You see, nothing appears* to be moving forward.

In fact, I can say with no small degree of frustration and embarrassment that our “adoption campaign” was flung out into the public eye rather haphazardly and in a whirl of emotions and was a knee-jerk reaction to a frustrating roadblock we were facing. When the project we were relying on fell through, I felt wild and desperate to just get on with it. If God indicated we were free to pursue adoption again, then let’s just do the damn thing. (Sorry for saying damn. But I mean….)

Many of you know the first story. How two years and three failed pregnancies and four lost babies tired my heart out and then a miraculous phone call resulted in our adoption – our daughter – our fantastic and spunky little girl. I love this story and I talk about it a lot. I don’t talk as much about the second story: how in the last two years we’ve had one birth mom drop us and 4-5 calls to adopt from foster care that just didn’t suit and how, most recently, after some changes with which we were not comfortable, we parted ways with the agency that had accepted our domestic adoption application over the summer.

I don’t know, you guys. I cried and stomped and then went and spent our home study money on new bookshelves and don’t judge me about that, they look great and were easier to put together than a crib or something so whatever. At least bookshelves come with an instruction manual, which is more than I can say for a new baby. (Yes, I know. #bitterjokes)

* * *

When God says, “Yes” – I want Him to mean “immediately”.

I don’t want to wait and wonder and have this Giant Big Thing of Adopting hovering in my brain and heart and taking up energy & space if we’re not “doing it”. I don’t want to move at His pace or on His timeline.

I am doing that thing we all do and all don’t want to do: making demands and shaking my fist and telling God what the best course of action would be. Because I am so smart. Oh, God…forgive me…

* * *

This year of being still and small has crushed me. I believe God is deepening my wells – creating in me a greater capacity to absorb life and to absorb hurt and pain – to absorb suffering with and for others. I suppose God is always doing this in all of us who belong to Him, but this year a mentor gave me new words for this sanctifying process and I find a soothing mantra in them…deeper wells…deeper wells…deeper wells.

I want the deeper wells to result in less grumbling. More hope.

*I wrote “appears to be” moving forward and it struck me that my problem is, of course, with the appearance that God is not answering in our lives the call we believe He initiated. But as He carves out these deeper wells and increases my absorption levels, I cannot – must not! – trust appearances. If I had chosen to put my trust in appearances on March 26, 2012, I would never have been open to the call that came on April 4 – the call that launched our family into a whirlwind adoption and resulted in one amazing little daughter.

So today, on December 1, 2015 – I am not trusting in appearances.

I am re-learning ‘hope’ and I am choosing to trust in the author of family Himself. John Piper once said, “God is always doing 10,000 things in your life, and you may be aware of three of them.” I can surely identify more than three things God is doing in my life in these days – three good, righteous, sanctifying, holy, precious, beloved things. These are mere foretastes of the glory He is working. I don’t know how He will work it out or what He will do on our behalf. But He is always working.

We want a baby and we hope for a baby and we have no idea how or when or if God will do that for our family. But we are not trusting in the appearance of “no adoption” and “no money” and “no way for this to happen”. The Psalmist reminds me that some trust in chariots and horses – the ways and means of getting from one place to another. I have no chariot or horse, so I will boast in the name of the Lord my God and wait on His loving hands to work good for our family.

This week I picked up a new book – Roots & Sky, by Christie Purifoy. It is like a deep breath in this seemingly never-ending winter.

In the last few weeks, I have confronted the idea that part of the struggle of winter is that it feels as though it’s not even winter – it feels like…nothing. Just. Ordinary. No movement, no “story”, no deep valleys or high mountains. As Purifoy wrote, “whispers I once gathered in the wilderness” are silent as I wait on the Lord.

It feels like I am learning things all over again – I am learning who Jesus is, what He says about the Father, what the Father says about the Spirit. The Godhead Trinity – the holy mystery – how to interact with them. What do I even know? It all seems mysterious and far-off. And yet, inexplicably, not far-off.

+ + +

About four months ago, I quit having a quiet time.

Don’t freak out, you guys.

I quit having a quiet time for several reasons. I am not certain I will explain them all, because I am not writing this post to get feedback from those who find the most nourishment in daily reading of the Scriptures or another particular practice. But I was finding that the daily and weekly disciplines I had relied on for so long to nourish my spirit in the Lord were drying up – at the hand of God, these disciplines of Bible reading, study, prayer, silence…suddenly they ceased to be the grace they had been for so many years.

This was/is frustrating. I want to be able to pursue solitude and meditation and my precious soul retreats and have them yield the emotional and spiritual results I desire. But the fullness of the measure of Christ is mine, even when (especially when?) He causes the things that once worked for me to fail. Perhaps I trusted the form more than the Grace Giver. And since He will have no other gods before Him, He shut down those forms, those gods of silence and solitude.

It seems very much like I am on a journey to find the new grace – not because His grace is ever absent, but I need Spirit eyes to see…I need more practice, in the silence and in the winter, at believing He will finish everything He began in me. (Philippians 1:6)

Making my home in Him in the ordinary, in the waiting, in the longing and silence…this is my new theme.

“Behold, I will do something new, now it will spring forth; will you not be aware of it? I will even make a roadway in the wilderness, rivers in the desert.” [Isaiah 43:19]

+++

Sometimes, Christianity seems so strange.

As my getting-too-close-to four-years-old asks questions about Bible stories and inquires after bedtime prayers, “Does everyone have sin in their heart?”, I sometimes freak out a little and want to shout, OMG, I don’t even know! I don’t know! What are we doing?! Who is God?

Parenting makes me wonder about a lot of things: the ability of a human body to keep going under exhaustion, the incredibly capacity of a tiny person to make significant messes, how those tiny stickers ended up in my pants, where did all the plastic cups go…how do we explain “adoption” to our daughter in such a way that she feels certain of our love and in a way that honors her birth story…how do we navigate preschool playdate drama when our only child puts a friend in a “gentle headlock” for touching her piggy bank…how do we show her the truest love, that surpasses race and political preferences and disagrees graciously and stands firm on the principles we are dedicating our lives to…how do we teach her about God, about this huge and holy thing that requires a level of faith that sometimes I am not sure I possess?

For the record, I don’t think about these things in passing, then just shrug my shoulders and get back to acting like a good little Christian.

I think about these things every day and I whisper prayers and pleas that I am doing something right. I pray to the God I have decided does, in fact, exist and is, in fact, interested in the doings of the people He created in His own image. I am not desperate for something to make me feel better about my existence or choices. Forgive me, but…heavens, Christianity is certainly the last religion I would pick if I wanted to simply “feel better” here in my earth suit.

All this sacrificial love and going lower and denying oneself is not appealing to the soul who wants to just feel good. It’s all death and resurrection and the heart that is looking for a religion that “works” finds no rest in dying to self.

I think about these things and risk the oversimplification that if God does not exist, as He has declared through the prophets of old and through the historical person of Jesus, the Messiah, then I am truly no worse off for having believed Him and lived according to the principles in the Scriptures. And if He does exist as Who He says He is – then nothing, nothing but nothing will commend me to Him apart from the blood of His Son, Jesus Christ. I am willing to take this risk.

+ + +

My soul needs a lot of coaching these days.

            Why downcast, o my soul? Hope in the Lord!

But my heart is steadfast. My heart is steadfast.

I am rejoicing (Philippians 4:4). I am taking courage (John 16:33) and confidence from the Overcomer – the One who brings life from death every. single. time.

I am waiting for His hand to break through the dim quiet of this season and to spring forth new life – in my soul, in my marriage, in my family. I am trusting Him to be the enough that He always is.

+ + +

Though the fig tree should not blossom and there be no fruit on the vines,
Though the yield of the olive should fail and the fields produce no food,
Though the flock should be cut off from the fold and there be no cattle in the stalls,

Yet I will exult in the Lord,
I will rejoice in the God of my salvation.

The Lord God is my strength,
And He has made my feet like hinds’ feet,
And makes me walk on my high places.

-Habakkuk 3:17-19

I have celebrated Mother’s Day since the day I made my mom one, way back in the 80s. Although, I suppose my active participation is suspect until the age of likely four, where I imagine my dad coaxed me into scribbles and handmade cards. And I have celebrated the day as a mother for approximately six years now. The first 3 of which I had basically no proof of my motherhood.

I read so many good things about celebrating women on mother’s day, not just biological mothers, and so I am adding my voice to the mix.

I’ve lost four babies to miscarriage and we adopted our daughter at birth, just after Mother’s Day and my thirtieth birthday. I celebrated hopefully that year, because we were waiting on baby, but in years prior it had not always been the case. I celebrated empty-handed and with an empty womb and I felt as though I didn’t belong. I know I’m not the only one. So for all the “misfits” this Mother’s Day, this one’s for you.

To the woman who thinks if she sees one more “we’re pregnant” announcement she might lose her mind, because every month she gets a “no” – you are loved.

To the woman whose child(ren) is/are not in her arms right now, because they left earth too soon – you are not forgotten.

To the woman whose mother was not what a mother should be and this day brings grief – you are precious and you are beloved.

To the single mother, who feels like she is just parenting by the seat of her pants – you can do this – you are valuable.

To the motherless woman or mother – you are doing a hard work and though there is sadness, you are not alone.

To the mothers whose children are estranged – you did not fail – there is yet hope.

To the woman who isn’t a mother, whether she longs to be or not – the work of mothering is still yours, as you pour your life out for others.

To the woman who cannot even name why this day is hard – you are seen.

To the waiting adoptive moms – yes, this day is just as much for you. Rejoice. Take courage.

To the women who chose to place their children for adoption – to my own daughter’s birth mother…you are brave. You are a gift. Your sacrifice has meant great rejoicing for so many families, but we know your loss was great. Thank you for choosing life.

* * *

Sara Hagerty recently said it beautifully: “We so often look away from another’s bleeding — what do I say? how do I respond? — as evidence of how our eyes dart away from Him in our lack. We subtly believe His hands are tied against their pain that is unfamiliar to us and our own pain, which is very near. We see Him like a version of ourselves: dumbfounded in the sight of loss. But His hands aren’t tied.  And He doesn’t turn, He leans in to the broken.”

This Mother’s Day – rejoice with and for the mothers in your world. Let the know that they are amazing and worth celebrating! But don’t be afraid to look for the woman who might not be celebrating, to remind her that she is nonetheless precious and valuable. Let her that it’s okay to skip out on the festivities. Send her a note anyway.

Speak life to all of these women this Mother’s Day.

I stood at the edge of the Atlantic ocean this weekend, sandy toes and pink shoulders – the whole works. Beach combing, looking for sea glass and shiny shells and I noticed that just beyond the shore, where the waves were breaking and rushing over the sand, there was rock. Solid and long – all down the beach, people were gingerly picking their way through the shallows, so they wouldn’t stub toes on the shore rocks. Thinking how nice it would be to scavenger the rocks and little pools for treasures (and not risk skinned knees), I whispered aloud, Man, I wish the tide would hurry up and go out.

Yeahhhhhhh….if there was ever a more futile prayer, I am not sure what it is.

The gift of the sea, of course, is that the metaphors and lessons are just right at your fingertips and yet this one caught me by surprise. The sheer cliché of it all – wishing the tide could move faster. It seemed a perfect analogy for how many things I cannot control right now: the ocean, for example.
The gravitational pull of the moon. The rotation of the earth. Centrifugal forces.
If I will find any shimmery shells in the tide pool.

When –or if– we will ever have another child.

So much is out of my control – so much is out of your control.

And there is, in some seasons, not much else to do but bear up under it and endure.

You cannot make this season go faster, you cannot speed up your emotional process, and none of us can un-do what the God of heaven is doing. And what futility to try.

One of our pastors recently quipped, “You are not omni-competent!” And we laughed, knowing that in our hearts, we are far less likely to assume we are all-knowing or all-powerful; we are very likely to act as though we can do it all. That by our powerful intellects or deductive reasoning or by sheer force of WILL, we can effect a change of circumstance. And with very few exceptions, that’s about as effective as hoping the tide will turn a little more quickly, simply because you really want it to.

God is not moving or speaking the ways I have previously experienced Him and He is offering no insight into this silence. I have decided the greatest value is going to be found in hoping, believing, and enduring. Others have believed God to be silent and, finding this to be insufficient for them, have moved along from the faith. Others have cried out to the Lord and endured the silence until, being so shaped by their belief, they begin to walk into newer and richer intimacy. Others are still just waiting. And enduring. And believing.

This is what I’m going to do. I can fuss and splash in the water, but the tide will move in its own time and by forces I am not remotely qualified to explain, much less direct. If He remains silent, who can condemn?[1] It is good to sit silently, to bear the yoke, to endure.[2] The Lord will not reject forever, of this I am certain. [3]

Compassion is coming, like the tide. And I am waiting it out, to see what treasures there are when it ebbs.

She turned four this year and this one was different to me – I had lots of weepy moments and nostalgia about what we were all doing this time four years ago. It was overwhelming in all the best ways and I.love.her.

She wanted a Pixie Hollow party where all her fairy and pirate friends could come and celebrate. So we had pirate ship hotdogs and pixie-fied accompaniments and people came decked out in full costume because OF COURSE and we had a treasure hunt all over the yard. People love my little girl so well and I am humbled by it and grateful for it.

It was a beautiful day – with surprises and laughs and bubbles and I felt all the cheesy warmth and excitement you should feel when your only child celebrates another year of life. I’m so very thankful for this little happy family that God’s granted me and I can’t believe I get to call her and her daddy mine!

We took too many photos and there are even more after the break, if you care to stick around…

I’m writing for our church’s weekly devotional this month. I’m part of team of roughly 10 other writers, who contribute on a rotating basis to the content that goes out each week after the Sunday worship services. This is a new adventure for me and one which requires me to discipline myself to a specific goal. I’m grateful for this, because deadlines are good for me. My first assigned passage on this rotation is Colossians 1:24-29. There is much about the Christian faith that is mysterious to me – parts of it are mysterious in glorious ways, that compel me to deeper faith. Parts of it are mysterious to me in ways entirely frustrating and aggravating. This passage holds both sentiments – a mystery both frustrating and glorious.

I’m going to be posting my daily writings here, partly for pleasure and practice, partly for accountability. Starting on June 11, you can return for a week of thoughts and reflections on the Colossians passage. Consider this your notice.

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the mystery [intro]

[day 1] the mystery of rejoicing in suffering

[day 2] the mystery of a life for others

[day 3] the mystery of the hope of glory

[day 4] the mystery of a completed work

[day 5] the mystery of His power

Each day this week, I’ll be posting expanded content from my contribution to our church’s weekly follow-up devotions. I say ‘expanded’, because there were simply more thoughts in my head than there was space to submit to the communications director, so these posts will vary slightly from what is available on the app. The plan is super simple, with room to respond and read further as you feel compelled to.

You may recall that the focus passage is Colossians 1:24-29, so although each day zeroes in on one or two verses, you may want to read the entire passage each day, for context and clarity.

Each week will include thoughts or questions for further reflection and prayer, as well as additional resources for study. I am hardly qualified to teach on most of this content, but there are scholars much smarter than I who have covered many of these issues. I will link to those resources I have found to be helpful or reliable in further research.

***

Read: Colossians 1:24, Romans 5:3-5

To “rejoice in suffering” – few things are less welcome in our culture. We rejoice in success, in getting our own way; we rejoice in healing, in winning, in being comfortable. We rejoice in a variety of things that make us happy, but not in suffering. In fact, we usually bristle at the slightest inconvenience. So actual, real suffering? We are indignant. We are grieved. We are frustrated and sure that if we simply had the relief or had the healing, then we could be assured of God’s love for us.

But the Apostle Paul butts up against this idea, as do others in scripture. There are several passages that reveal to us a higher perspective on suffering – a holy perspective on suffering. In Romans, Paul builds on this perspective with a strong reminder that suffering is not an end of itself. Believers who experience suffering may also experience the great grace of knowing that the Spirit of God is at work to produce perseverance, character, and hope. A hope that “does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out within our hearts” (Romans 5:5).

We may not embrace suffering. We may be grieved, broken, or angry with God for its very existence. But the writers of the scriptures encourage us to consider that even in suffering, all is not lost. The love of an infinitely wise God has been poured out in our hearts – and we can hold to hope and hold to Him.

This is a mysterious paradox – the idea that we could consider anything beyond comfort, healing, safety, or wellness to be of any value or even something in which to rejoice. And suffering is certainly tricky to address, because it is surrounded by so much grief and anger and loss. I cannot speak with any real certainty or clarity on the ultimate problem of evil and suffering in the world in a way that will “solve” or satisfy the issue. There are brilliant women and men who address the problem of pain and suffering succinctly and with grace – but still not conclusively. As for me, I return with a simplicity of mind to the character of Jesus and His Father.

I believe it to be true that God is love. I also believe that God is holy and completely set apart, a perfect and divine Being, without error or flaw, containing and originating within Himself all wisdom. I believe these things on the basis of my study of the scriptures and the hope that the God who authored them was not limiting Himself by using human writers or human interpreters. I also believe this on the basis of my personal experience and that of others. Because I have settled on the belief that God is good, perfect, and holy, I subsequently believe He is capable only of acting in a way congruent with perfect love. I cannot explain how suffering is congruent with love, but the character of God expressed fully in Jesus [also & also] was always about restoration and healing and wholeness.

This is a mystery that sometimes I am comfortable with. And sometimes I am not. But believing that God is love allows me to at the very least consider that my suffering and that of others is worth more than I can possibly see or explain. And that ultimately there will be a redemption that will more than do justice for those things we consider as the greatest pains and evils.

“As for me, I know that my Redeemer lives, And at the last He will take His stand on the earth.” [Job 19:25]

For Further Reflection: Grief in loss or suffering is a normal and right response. If you are experiencing suffering right now, bring your full range of emotions before the Lord in prayer. Consider interceding in prayer on behalf of others suffering. Ask the Lord to reveal His holy perspective on suffering.

Other Resources:
Timothy Keller, on pain and suffering [video] [book]
C.S. Lewis, The Problem of Pain [book]Veritas Forum, Ravi Zacharias on suffering [video]
Richard Foster, on suffering [article]
Lamentations [the whole book]

*****

the mystery [intro]

[day 1] the mystery of rejoicing in suffering

[day 2] the mystery of a life for others

[day 3] the mystery of the hope of glory

[day 4] the mystery of a completed work

[day 5] the mystery of His power

*****

Disclaimer: Everything I write about on SarahSandel.com reflects my personal experiences, opinions, and beliefs. I do not write here on behalf of our church or anyone else.

Each day this week, I’m posting expanded content from my contribution to our church’s weekly follow-up devotions. You may recall that the focus passage is Colossians 1:24-29, so although each day zeroes in on one or two verses, you may want to read the entire passage each day, for context and clarity.

To read the [intro] or [day 1: the mystery of rejoicing in suffering] – click the links!
See end of post for full series content links.

***

Read: Colossians 1:24, Galatians 2:20

Paul chose to rejoice in his sufferings because he saw them as an identifying marker of the life of Christ. He, Paul, was willing to take on suffering “for your sake” – for the sake of the body of Christ. It is a hard thing to consider suffering for the sake of someone else. Paying the price that someone else may go free? This kind of tribulation is rarely one we sign up for willingly!

We see an imperfect example here in Paul, pointing to a perfect example in Jesus. The Son of God, who is rich in mercy and loves us with a great and holy love (Eph. 2:4), laid down his life for us while we were still sinners. The perfect dying for the imperfect. Jesus, suffering for our sake, that we could be reconciled to God. And this life – this dying for others, living for others, pouring out for others life – belongs now to believers (Gal. 2:20). This is the power of Christ, which enlivens and strengthens us to lay down our lives for one another (1 Jn 3:16).

In a culture hyper-focused on self (in the name of authenticity, of course), it is difficult to imagine a daily dying to self for the sake of others. We are busy structuring our days around the things that benefit us and our business and families. Caring for our souls and loved ones is not inherently evil, by any stretch. But we often overlook ways we may submit ourselves to one another.  We rise to the occasion when challenged or reviled, looking for ways to defend our reputations, rather than “trusting the One who judges justly” (1Peter 2:23).

This life for others that Christ lived now lives on in us, those who belong to Him and are indwelt by His Spirit. We get to participate in a redemptive sort of suffering – dying little deaths to self daily – because Jesus Himself suffered for us. The apostle Peter challenges us directly here, giving the example and motivation of the perfect One:

“For you have been called for this purpose, since Christ also suffered for you, leaving you an example for you to follow in His steps, nor was any deceit found in His mouth and while being reviled, He did not revile in return; while suffering, He uttered no threats, but kept entrusting Himself to Him who judges righteously; and He Himself bore our sins in His body on the cross, so that we might die to sin and live to righteousness; for by His wounds you were healed.”

1 Peter 2:21-25

I’m praying this week that I will be eyes-wide-open for ways my life can be about others…my kid, my husband, my friends, and co-workers. Not in some fake-humility way, but in a way that genuinely “looks out for the interests of others” (Phil 2:3).

Will you join me in suffering for the sake of the body, by living a life that is for others?

For Further Reflection: We don’t often look for ways we can be poured out for others – we are often “looking out for number one”. There is something counter-cultural to the idea of a life that is FOR others. Pray today, asking God to make you aware of big or small ways you might lay down your life – or preferences or comfort or rights – for another, believing that this is the power of Christ in you.

Other Resources:
By author Bill Gillham, on the Christ-in-you life –
Lifetime Guarantee [book]
What God Wishes Christians Knew About Christianity [book]

Pastor Steve Pettit, Centerpoint Christian Fellowship –
on the life for others [article and article]
Passion for Self-Expenditure [sermon and outline]

*****

the mystery [intro]

[day 1] the mystery of rejoicing in suffering

[day 2] the mystery of a life for others

[day 3] the mystery of the hope of glory

[day 4] the mystery of a completed work

[day 5] the mystery of His power

*****
Disclaimer: Everything I write about on SarahSandel.com reflects my personal experiences, opinions, and beliefs. I do not write here on behalf of our church or anyone else. :

Each day this week, I’m posting expanded content from my contribution to our church’s weekly follow-up devotions. You may recall that the focus passage is Colossians 1:24-29, so although each day zeroes in on one or two verses, you may want to read the entire passage each day, for context and clarity.

See end of post for full series content links.

*****

Read: Colossians 1:25-27, Romans 11:36, Ephesians 1:9-12

Most people love a good mystery. Not me. I want to love a mystery. But not knowing how a thing will turn out frustrates me to no end. I get nervous and anxious at every plot twist. No mysteries, no surprise parties, no “I’ll give you three guesses!” for me, thank you very much.

This mystery, however? THIS is a good mystery. The Greek text uses the word mystērion here, to describe a hidden thing, something not obvious to the understanding. But this is something God no longer withholds from those who belong to Him – this mystery is revealed in Christ Jesus and is revealed in us, His children! Christ in us – the very hope of glory! What was once a secret is now our precious treasure.

The hope that is being worked out in us through suffering and perseverance yields a glory we cannot contrive. It is only the working of Holy God, through His Spirit. Paul was made a steward by God (v25) and it was God’s will that the riches of this glorious mystery be revealed (v27). The revelation of this mystery happens by God and for God and His glory.

Hope is mysterious of itself, is it not? Paul writes again in Ephesians of this mysterious revelation…”we who were the first to hope in Christ would be to the praise of His glory”. The hope he speaks of here is an eager expectation – something in which believers can have confidence. This is a hard concept for me, truly.

I have long wrestled with this idea of hope – an eager expectation – a desire or desired outcome. I imagine we all have wrestled with this in different ways over the years. My struggle is simple: I have inadvertently begun to view Jesus Christ not as Hope itself, Hope Incarnate, Christ in me, the Hope of glory — but as the facilitator of my little hopes, my expectations. It is difficult to lay those down. There is a tension in relinquishing my hopes to settle into the hope of glory. My life is no longer about getting all the things I hope for, the things I hope will result in a beautiful -even spiritual- life. My life is about the indwelling Christ and the resulting glory of the Father.

I am finding that the blessed hope of surrender to Christ Jesus is, indeed, a mysterious tension of loss and joy.

And you? Are you in the tension of that mystery? The precious treasure is being revealed and it often requires so much laying down. But the life of Christ in us, for us – what a gift!

 For Further Reflection: What do you hope for, temporally speaking? Have you allowed your hopes to become a wishlist you submit to God? Consider your view of God in light of this mystery: He allows us to be indwelled by His spirit. Our lives have become less about getting and more about abiding. Use your prayer time to praise God for this revelation and ask Him to make “Christ in you, the hope of glory” a richer and dearer “mystery” to you.

Other Resources:
C.S. Lewis – The Great Divorce [book]
Matthew Henry – Colossians 1 [commentary]
Sara Hagerty, on practicing hope [article]

*****

the mystery [intro]

[day 1] the mystery of rejoicing in suffering

[day 2] the mystery of a life for others

[day 3] the mystery of the hope of glory

[day 4] the mystery of a completed work

[day 5] the mystery of His power

*****
Disclaimer: Everything I write about on SarahSandel.com reflects my personal experiences, opinions, and beliefs. I do not write here on behalf of our church or anyone else.

Each day this week, I’m posting expanded content from my contribution to our church’s weekly follow-up devotions. You may recall that the focus passage is Colossians 1:24-29, so although each day zeroes in on one or two verses, you may want to read the entire passage each day, for context and clarity.

See end of post for full series content links.

*****

Read: Colossians 1:28, Philippians 1:6

When I am not sure of a certain thing, I research. I am a BIG researcher. I am certain that somewhere out there, there is a right and best answer for just about any quandary. Is this reality? Probably not. Do I keep researching? Usually.

The quandary presented here, of course, is a seemingly impossible task. Proclaiming God is perhaps a more welcome and familiar work, but the subsequent admonishment, “teach every man with all wisdom, so that we may present every man complete in Christ”? This seems much larger than ourselves. I am certain that I do not have the sort of wisdom required for such a task. My job should certainly end with encouraging the saints, sharing the hope I have in Christ with those separated from Him. What is this bit about presenting every man complete?

Thankfully, the full counsel of Scripture supplements and answers for us: IT IS GOD. It is the work of God! Paul’s confidence in the letter to the Philippians can be our confidence, too. It is HE, God, who began the good work and it is HE who will perfect it. Our lives are hidden with Christ in God (Col. 3:3). There is no amount of research we can do or wisdom we can attain to qualify ourselves to proclaim the Good News. So we rest in the work He began in those who belong to Him and we rejoice that He alone will complete that work. It is by grace we have been saved – through faith – and this is not from ourselves (Eph 2:8-9).

Of course, we are mistaken if we believe that Christ’s reconciled life in us absolves of any responsibility to live the Christian life. The work of salvation has been completed, and yet there is plenty to do as reconciled, holy, and blameless children of God! According to Peter, God’s divine power has been given to us to accomplish everything pertaining to life and godliness (2 Peter 1:3). So we commit our ways to the God who has reconciled us and we “continue in the faith”, becoming stable and steadfast.

I find there is such a fine balance and tension here…working as unto the Lord, yet resting in the completed work.
Work unto the Lord. Continue in the faith.
Rest in the completed work.

For Further Reflection: Is there any work you have been trying to complete on your own? Ask the Lord to illuminate any area in which you can rest in HIS work on your behalf.

Other Resources:
Tim Keller, “Work and Rest” [audio]
Elisabeth Elliot, “Gain What You Can Never Lose” [audio]
Dr. Jeff Robinson, on the completed work [article]
Eugene Peterson, “The Jesus Way” [book]

*****

the mystery [intro]

[day 1] the mystery of rejoicing in suffering

[day 2] the mystery of a life for others

[day 3] the mystery of the hope of glory

[day 4] the mystery of a completed work

[day 5] the mystery of His power

*****
Disclaimer: Everything I write about on SarahSandel.com reflects my personal experiences, opinions, and beliefs. I do not write here on behalf of our church or anyone else.

Each day this week, I’ve posted expanded content from my contribution to our church’s weekly follow-up devotions. You may recall that the focus passage is Colossians 1:24-29, so although each day zeroes in on one or two verses, you may want to read the entire passage each day, for context and clarity.

See end of post for full series content links.

***

I’ve been challenged to consider this week that the mysteries of God are not dependent on my agreement, my praise, my affirmation, or even my feelings to be true and at work. I serve at the pleasure of the King and His life in me is mysterious. When my four year old was asking me questions today about heaven and Jesus and how come she can’t see Him or touch Him, I just said, “Baby – here are the things I know. But I will tell you now – I do not know everything. God is amazing and mysterious and we get to choose to trust Him.”

Read Colossians 1:29, 2 Peter 1:3-4

The final thought for this week supplies the “how” for the previous days’ thoughts: we strive “according to HIS power”.

How do we rejoice even in suffering? By the power of God.
How do we encounter the mystery of Christ in us, the hope of glory? By the power of God.
How can we believe that God will complete the work He has begun in us who belong to Him? By His own power.

This is cause for relief and rejoicing – we do not need to conjure up our own hope and help, we get to rely on the One who Himself is our great hope!

He has granted to us everything we need for life and godliness.

The struggle with this, for me, is that every day I do not wake up feeling as though I am equipped for life. I wake up in various states, ranging from grumpy to energetic. But if I am truthful, my first thoughts are not towards the life of Christ in me, His power at work in me to respond to absolutely everything I will encounter. A friend quipped today, “I wish that the truth I know about Christ in me would make me FEEL better about things right now.” She voice my very thoughts!

The power of Christ in me is a confidant reality – but it does not alleviate the earthly toil I am subjected to. The power of Christ in me does not exempt me from my body’s physical response to exhaustion, or my heart’s emotional response to change or distress, nor does it exempt me from mental weariness as I work to solve problems and handle challenges. And though at times this frustrates me, this does not lessen His power at work in me.

If a mental, physical, or emotional state effected a change in status of the eternal, righteous Life indwelling believers – we are to be pitied above all men! If I wait until my mind, body, and soul align all properly and in a timely manner with the truth of the power of Christ in me – I will walk in frustration or despair. The mystery of the power of Christ in me does not require my intellectual ascent. Thank God!

No guilt in life, no fear in death,
This is the power of Christ in me;
From life’s first cry to final breath.
Jesus commands my destiny.
No power of hell, no scheme of man,
Can ever pluck me from His hand;
Till He returns or calls me home,
Here in the power of Christ I’ll stand.

To Consider: In prayer today, commit your work to the Lord. Confess (again!) that His life is the only strength for living today, for embracing a holy perspective on suffering, for celebrating Christ in you, the hope of glory!

*****

the mystery [intro]

[day 1] the mystery of rejoicing in suffering

[day 2] the mystery of a life for others

[day 3] the mystery of the hope of glory

[day 4] the mystery of a completed work

[day 5] the mystery of His power

*****
Disclaimer: Everything I write about on SarahSandel.com reflects my personal experiences, opinions, and beliefs. I do not write here on behalf of our church or anyone else.